


If The World Were To End Today (I'd Like You To Know)

by Silverofyou



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Ryden, end of the world letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 21:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7657621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverofyou/pseuds/Silverofyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan writes Brendon a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If The World Were To End Today (I'd Like You To Know)

**Author's Note:**

> This was literally inspired on the "Apocalypse" of July 29th/2016.
> 
> Enjoy!

Brendon.

My boy, my sun, the love of my life. I decided to do an experiment as a way of… therapy, you could say. Dan says it might help me to move on, leave all my demons and mistakes in the past or something. 

I decided to write you an “If the world were to end today, I’d like you to know…” letter. I’m not sure if I’ll tear it, or burn it, or keep it. You’re not going to receive it, that’s for sure. There’s too much I never told you, too much I still don’t want you to know- but I’m going to write it down anyway. 

Here it goes.

\---

If the world were to end today, the first thing I’d like you to know is that I love you. I always have and I always will. From that first moment in Spencer’s living room when you went through the door with your emo haircut and weird glasses. I turned to look at you, and the door was still open behind you, and you looked so bright, for a moment I felt like I was looking directly into the eyes of the sun. It was probably just the light coming through the door, but I had just smoked a blunt and my brain was not functioning properly. In any case, that was my first impression of you. You were the motherfucking sun. 

You turned out to be the dorkiest human being alive, but I still see you in those magazines, and I still get that same feeling of looking at something too bright; that feeling never changed, in spite of everything. 

If the world were to end today, I’d  like you to know that I don’t regret sleeping with you that first time. I know I said I did. I know I fucked up by saying what I said, but I don’t regret sleeping with you. Not then, not ever. Do you even fathom what it felt like, after months of slight flirting and wanting something I couldn’t have, to finally have you underneath me, eyes wide and pupils blown, your lips slightly parted, your cheeks flushed and your chest sweaty, bracing yourself as I slipped in you as carefully as I’d ever done anything? Brendon, I swear I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life. I still haven’t. 

So yes, I don’t regret sleeping with you that night, even when I told you the next morning that I had. You yelled and glared and avoided me for a week, and I couldn’t take it, not seeing your smiles and not hearing your excited comments every day after a show. I couldn’t take you coming down on me on stage, your eyes sparkling from the adrenaline, however not from the same excited rush that was going through my veins. I certainly don’t regret going to your bunk after that week of you ignoring me, slipping through the curtains when I was sure you were not asleep. You were facing the wall, facing away from me, holding your breath. But the sobs escaped, and I heard them. And I can’t begin to describe the feeling that squeezed my heart and closed my throat, hearing you crying because I had been a total asshole. So I slipped into the bunk, laid down on the bed beside you, and whispered my apologies in your ear. You let out a shaky breath, took my hand, and kissed it with tear-stained lips. And then we made love, and the next morning you said you thought I was a golden god.

If the world were to end today, I’d like you to know our  _ thing,  _ whatever it was, was the best thing to ever happen to me.  _ You  _ were the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t change anything about it- not even the fights. Not even the time I almost thought you were done with me for good, when there was crying, and yelling, and dishes thrown- not even when you punched me; it made me realize how much it scared me the idea of losing you- it made me promise myself I would never let you go again.

Guess I didn’t keep my word.

If the world were to end today, I’d like you to know that I never meant for any of it to go wrong. I loved you, Brendon, with my whole being, with my whole soul. I was stupid, and I swear I have never regretted anything more in my life than sleeping with that girl in Cape Town. And yes- I know I even wrote a song about it; in all honesty, I just wanted to hurt you (and myself). I was so mad, Bren.  _ So mad.  _ At you, for ending it all, for letting me quit, for letting me go so easily. Mostly I was mad at myself, for being so stupid. For not seeing what was in front of me. 

Remember the lyrics, Brenn?  _ “Who could love me? I am out of my mind.”  _ I was- I  _ am _ \- out of my mind, Brendon. I will never be what you deserve, I proved it that night.

Listen, you are  _ everything  _ to me. I can’t imagine my world without you in it- even if you’re no longer a direct part of it. You are the sun that shines over me every day. You know why I call you the sun and myself the moon in my songs? Because I am the reflection of your light. You were- are, will always be- my better half, the only person who takes out the beauty in me. The moon would be nothing without the sun- so am I without you.

If the world were to end today, Brendon, I’d like you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry for all those moments of pain and worry and angst I caused you. I am sorry because you are everything to me, and yet I didn’t act accordingly. I am sorry for being less than what you deserve. I’m sorry for leaving you and Spencer to deal with the band alone, and then blaming you for it. I’m sorry I let you get away so easily. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to keep you. I’m sorry I fucked up. I’m sorry for sleeping with that girl.

But most of all, Brendon, I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough to realize in time what a huge mistake I’d made.

 

Yours always,

Ryan.  _ Your moon.  _


End file.
